Day Two

I won’t write every day, simply because, some days, I can’t. However, after I wrote yesterday, I knew I had to pick up my head and ┬ámeet this deadline. I have already emailed the client and told them that, out of three parts, the third part of the contract will be a day late. However, what I did yesterday AFTER getting off the couch is the most important thing I could have done.

When my grandmother was alive, she gave our family the best gift she could have given to anyone. She had stillborn children.

Years later, my aunt also experienced the death of a child. She didn’t get out of bed for days. My grandmother went to her house and told her, “I have experienced the death of a child three times. You need to get through this. This is what you are going to do. You are going to make a list. On that list, you’re going to write down, ‘1. Get up 2. Get dressed 3. Brush teeth 4. Get food.’ As you do each thing, you’re going to cross it off. When you get done, you’re going to look at that list, and realize that you have accomplished something today.”

That’s what I did. I got up and wrote a list. I added things such as, “Eat. Walk the dog. Sweep the floor.”

This is so important in depression. On my worst days, I can at least realize I’ve accomplished something. My grandmother gave us the best gift she could ever give. She taught us how to have a sense of purpose, when we think that we have none at all.

I have to stick to the list, or I won’t do anything. I have to force myself to work on the list. I had to force myself to get up today, but, because I had the list, I was motivated to get out of bed, and I finally did, even though I didn’t want to get up at all. I set myself up to have something waiting for me, and it worked.

Depression is a beast, and it will win if I let it. It will lose if I keep fighting, and I will fight forever. Thank goodness for my grandmother, who unwillingly gave me an important tool to help fight the battles.


Day One

Today is day one of this blog. If you don’t think depression is real, move on. This isn’t for you.

Today, I couldn’t get off the couch. The house is a mess. The car is a mess. I don’t remember the last time I ate anything bigger than a small cheeseburger from a nasty fast food restaurant. I didn’t want to get up and shower.

I have goals. I have dreams. I have deadlines from my clients. One of the deadlines is tomorrow. Because I couldn’t get off the couch this morning, I now have to work until one AM on the project to have it on the editor’s desk by the morning. I didn’t care this morning, when I fell asleep, again, and couldn’t wake up.

I slept ten hours last night. I didn’t need the sleep. I just couldn’t wake up. I didn’t care to wake up. I didn’t care about my deadline. I didn’t care about anything but hiding under my blanket and ignoring everything.

I choose to surround myself with creative people to inspire me to keep going. But today, I just didn’t care about that deadline. Tonight, I’ll regret not pushing myself harder to meet this deadline. Sadly, I simply didn’t have the emotional strength to care this morning.

This was day one of this blog, but it’s not day one of my suffering. Not by a long shot.